I'll never forget that day.

What was I doing that day you ask?

I was preparing for impending parenthood. I was halfway through my first pregnancy and my husband and I were on our way to see our child for the very first time. As we were walking out the door we saw footage of that first tower, in flames.

I thought, "What an idiot. Stupid drunk pilot," and I walked out the door.

In the car on the way to the doctor's office all the talk radio stations were talking terrorists.

I thought, "Jeez. Anything for ratings I guess."

Everyone at the doctor's was starting to look a bit more serious. Then I walked into my exam room and forgot all about it for 20 surreal minutes. That was really the last time I thought in that "pre-9/11" naive mentality. In that room. Looking at this baby.

It was amazing what I saw. We didn't find out that Connor was a boy until he was born but that day I totally saw my future change, in a completely different way than from what it seemed the rest of the world was experiencing at that moment. That day was a new beginning for me.

I guess it was a new beginning for all of us in different ways. We think about so many things so differently now. We think about things now that never entered our thoughts before. I know that 9/11 changed me on so many different levels because I was experiencing something so life changing on that day - personally as well as along with the rest of the country.

A few days later my husband left for a hunting trip to Canada. I was alone with my thoughts, my hormones, and my 24-hour news. I couldn't sleep at night worrying about my traveling husband. Most people who know me know that I have a very low tolerance for stress like this. I thought very much about evil, about fear, about death and loss. I just wanted to be there. I'd never been there, but I wanted to BE there, right there, helping to dig out of this awful tragedy. I don't know why.

I became a different person that day. I became a mom, thinking about my child, and about all the pregnant women and husbands who had pregnant women waiting for them to come home who never would.  I thought about all the mothers, fathers, sons and daughters of that fateful day.

Ten years later, this morning, I watched the story of our healing thus far; and I shared it with my 9 year-old son. We had talked about Bin Laden right after his death, and watched the day unfold on Youtube so he had some context as to why we had to get this guy. I tell him it's important to always know what has happened because it helps you understand what may happen next.

A reading from church today started with this line,

"Wrath and anger are hateful things, yet the sinner hugs them tight."

For some reason I found it beautifully confusing. It's something I will think about on many levels in my life. True, yet so hard to comprehend. How hard this is for any of us in any situation...

To forgive.

To understand.

Not sure about the forgiveness, or the comprehension, but I know one thing, and I've heard it countless times today.

We will never forget.

I think we're all still trying to figure out how to deal with this situation that we've found ourselves in, and it's gonna take a while to see how it's all going to shake out. It's hard to forgive people when they would still actively try to kill you if they had the means.

 If you don't know where you've been, you won't know where you're going.

And this is my rambling, emotional, obligatory 10-year anniversary of 9/11 post.